Comfort

I'm not entirely sure where I'll be going with this post. Just letting off some steam I guess. I hate hate hate being comfortable. I hate that I'm in a routine right now where I basically know exactly what to expect from day to day. I hate that I'm laying in a comforbable (relatively) bed right now when there are kids in northern Uganda that can't even sleep in their own houses for fear of being abducted and turned into a killer. I hate that these things bother me. Why can't I be someone that's okay not caring. Or that's content not wanting to help but saying good job to those who do. It must be so much easier. Why can't I be that way?

I was talking to someone yesterday about the movie Blood Diamond. It was on tv last week or something...I don't remember. But I watched it for the first time and I asked this person if they liked it. Their reaction was basically, no it was to sad. So I told them that I'd never made the connection that the movie had child soldiers in it and was similar to the Invisible Children documentary, except that the documentary was of course, real. I suggested that this person watch it and kinda briefly explained what it was about and they said "Oh no I don't think so." I was a little puzzled so I asked why not and they said these exact words "Seeing that would upset me to much." Wow. It was all I could do not to blow up in this person's face. And if this were any other person, I may have. It SHOULD upset you! It should bother you to the point that you want to do something. But no. People don't like that. It makes them uncomfortable to know that these things happen. That they're real. Must be nice to not care enough to avoid things that make us feel guilty. That make us feel like a bad person.

There is a chapter in the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan called Profile of the Lukewarm in which he says:

"Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty. They want to do the bare minimum, to be 'good enough' without it requiring too much of them."

Sounds about right to me. I'm guilty as well. I don't like seeing things that make me feel bad. Duh. But they're real. And it bothers me when people avoid them so they can live their little perfect lives here with their 2 story houses and nice SUVs and steady jobs. Oh my gah! America is in a recession! People might have to stop eating at Olive Garden every week now! Now I'm not making light of the situation. I know a lot of people are affected by this. A lot of jobs lost and that sort of thing. I just think that in the midst of this, we should realize how rich we really are and be thankful! We don't know how good we have it even now when a lot of us are at our rock bottom. We're still so blessed compared to most!

Okay I'm stopping my little rambling complaint about America now. I need to go to bed. I'm trying this whole new lifestyle thing involving less caffeine and more sleep so wish me luck. We'll see how it goes. Despite the angry post above, I love you all. :]

A Few Topics on my Mind

Topic 1: This is it folks. I finally found it. My weakness. Never thought I'd actually find one, but its there. Plain as day. Can't believe I never noticed before. A lot of people have issues dealing with theirs pasts. Things they've done or didn't do. Said or didn't say. Well, I am the complete opposite. I can not stop dwelling on the future. I don't mean like the normal college student worries about where they'll be after graduation kind of future. I mean EVERYTHING! It consumes my thought. Thoughts like "wow I'm going to be really sad when all the seniors this year to graduate and leave." or "Where am I going to live after this school year and who will I live with?" "What am I going to do this summer?" "When can I go back to Texas?" I am all about the future. And when I think of it this way, I begin to wonder if I'm missing anything that's happening right now. This occurred to me a couple of hours ago so I haven't had time to notice yet. But really, I think I need to try to better live in the "now" instead of dwelling on things that have yet to happen. So thats something I need to work on.

Topic 2: Some of you may know that one of my main goals this year is to get to know people I already know. People that I know fairly well. We hang out a lot. I see them a good bit. But I don't really know them. I don't know their story. So one thing I've been doing is simply getting coffee with random friends or even asking perfect strangers to tell me their story. For instance, one night a couple of weeks ago, I was giving a friend of mine a ride somewhere and her roommate wanted to ride along. While driving, I began just talking to her roommate. I asked her to...well...tell me her story. And she did. Just an idea of what this girl was like: this girl was very happy, very positive, smiled a lot, fairly talkative and seemed like an all around decent, normal, perfectly happy freshman at CofC. She goes on to tell me how her dad was actually a raging alcoholic who died from alcohol when she was in 7th grade. She grew up in that atmosphere and her entire family on that side suffered from the same addiction. She told me all sorts of stories from her childhood that, upon looking at her, you would have never guessed. Ever. I guess my point is that something I've learned more clearly than any schoolwork this year is that you never know what someone is going through. Strangers on the street, coworkers, people in your class. You never know what they're going through. So we should love everyone and show compassion for everyone no matter how "together" they seem on the outside.

And this girls story is just one example of many I've come across so far.

Topic 3: You know, I had an entire 3rd topic I was going to type about. But on further evaluation, I believe I'll save this one so it can have its own posting. Plus it's 1:45am and I have class at 9. So I'm going to bed. Good night all :]

Favorite Song

One of my FAVORITE songs ever is "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham. If you're one of the few people that actually read my blog, you probably know this one. I literally will just get in some strange mood where I really want to listen to this song. I was thinking today, as I was listening to the song, "what makes it so great?" And I think its because this song just addresses so many aspects of a real relationship with God.



The first verse just praises God for all He is. His grace, beauty, glory. All are there and the song is just saying that these aspects all consume my life. They're "all I see." And I really love when it says that "In your presence God, I'm completely satisfied." I mean yea. For me at least, its one of the most satisfying feelings to be totally immersed in God. To be totally immersed in His presence or totally immersed in awe and worship of who Him and His awesome character. You just don't get much better than that.



The chorus, of course, is just full on worship. I just really love the whole "divine romance" concept. Its such a great way to look at your relationship with God. A romance is defined by love. It's not defined by doing things for another though, which is a concept a lot of people have (maybe unknowingly). My small group at BCM is reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan and one topic he addressed in our chapter for this week was: do you love God...or do you love the idea of God. The fact that God is saving you from eternal hell. Do you genuinely love Him for who He is? His very character? Put it this way. Take away all the heavy stuff like heaven and hell. There's just this God who loves you more than you can comprehend but He's not necessarily saving you from anything. Do you still love Him? Do you still want to keep His commandments if there are no punishments? It's tough to think of it that way. But His relationship with us should be based on His love for us and we should attempt to love Him as well. It's not based on "Hey what can God do for me today?" I totally just went off on a huge tangent and I appologize. It was not intended for this post.



Anyway, so the last verse is basically the gospel contained in 3 lines. He talks about an ocean of love flowing from God and how Jesus's innocent blood has cleaned our lives. I just love this song. Covers so many things. I think I'll post a video. Yea I'll do that. Here you go :]

Okay it wouldn't let me post a video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeTzIuZr0wI

See if the link works :]

Tattoo idea?

So I'm thinking of getting this tattooed on the inside of my foot (kind of behind/under ankle bone). Not in blue though, in black. Hummingbirds are kind of special to me for several reasons. One, I think they're beautiful. Two, ever since I was small, my mom has loved hummingbirds and has had feeders in our back yard. She would always sit out on our backporch in the early evenings (when they usually feed) and just sit and watch them. Or the same thing in the morning with her coffee. On many occasions I would go sit with her and watch them feed and we would talk. Just sit and talk. Oftentimes it wasn't anything to deep or important but all of these times are very dear to me. So I love hummingbirds :]

And I would really really like something scriptural to go with it so if you have any ideas, shoot me a message.

People back home, don't you dare tell my mother!

Thoughts

Yay! New blog! I've been wanting to write one for awhile now. So here are some thoughts.

Fact: In the past 46 hours, I've slept a grand total of 6 of them...mostly spread out throughout the day, not the night.
Fact: During said hours, I've filled my body with nothing other than horrible, processed, microwavable meals, starburst jellybeans, and highly concentrated amounts of caffeine.
Fact: 90% of said hours have been consumed by studying for 2 separate anatomy tests.
Fact: 0% of said hours have been spent in God's word and in prayer.

Needless to say, the past few days have been a little rough. But they're over now. Thank God! Anyways...so I was just thinking on this a few minutes ago and decided to write about it. During anatomy class thus far, I've gone to the lab at least 3 times a week (which is a lot more than most), spent at least 7 or 8 hours in the lab each week and even more time studying ouside of the lab. I spent many many precious hours studying for these tests including all of sunday night before my test Monday morning. All of this work for a couple of tests that will last about 2 hours total. I get to the tests and what happens? They're hard. I don't think I did very well on either of them and it really frustrates me when this happens. I work my butt off...all in vain. All of that work I did does not matter because I'm not getting the grade I want on those tests. This has been consuming my thoughts the past couple of days.

So I get to tonight. I'm finally finally FINALLY done with the tests. So I decided to spend some time in the Word to kind of make up for lost time in the past couple of days. I knew it would make me feel better. I've been reading in 1 Corinthians lately. I love Paul! (Even though I believe he can be slightly arrogant sometimes haha) So I'm reading and I get to verse 58 of chapter 15 which says

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of hte Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
-1 Corinthians 15:58

Once again, God's perfect timing comes through for me and I, again, try to focus on the big picture. My actions are not in vain. I live (or at least try to live) for God. My actions are purposeful. My life in general is purposeful. It doesn't matter if I fail this test. It doesn't matter if I fail this class. The big picture is that I am living my life for Christ and not for a good grade. 10 years down the road, these tests are not going to matter. Actually, I will probably have forgotten all about them by that point. Such trivial things we tend to focus on. How could I let these test affect me this way? How could I let something as trivial as a test in an anatomy class bring me to the point that I'm crying and having an emotional breakdown in the middle of the night? Why would I do that? Why would I do that knowing that the God of the universe loves me and has given me purpose and has told me that I won't labor in vain? I puzzle myself sometimes.

Thats all for now. I need to get some sleep. Good night :]

Okay...so...

This will be short and I'm basically writing it as a way to procrastinate...I mean...take a break from studying for a few minutes. Don't really know what I will say so here goes.

Uhm. Okay. My life: Class, anatomy lab (usually 3-4 hours...ridiculous) work, homework, sleep, BCM. Thats about all I do.

I have yet to finish Sense and Sensability (even though its my 2nd time reading it so I technically have finished).

I started a notebook awhile back in which I just write down awesome Bible verses as I run across them and its actually been a really large blessing since I started it. I look in it when I'm having a bad day or something like that.

I started a prayer wall in my room...which I love. It's just a few things that are continuously requiring prayer. Includes quite a few missionaries, people I know going through difficult times, family issues, and the Invisible Children in Uganda (because that video has now successfully brought me to tears twice.) I'm trying to make it a point to pray over all these things every night.

My coke bottle from Einsteins today was in all spanish. I liked it.

My room is a mess.

I don't really care about the Women's Rights Movement, even though I've been studying it now for 2 hours.

I really want to go to India.

I really want patience and eyes to see that I have a mission field here so I won't be living just from one trip to the next.

I really want to see fruit in my life while I am here in Charleston.

Uhm...I really want to re-do my room. Its way to preppy for me. Gross.

I really really dislike my work but am trying to be positive about it so I'll stop complaining. I hate it when people complain so I'm going to stop. I'm blessed to have a job.

Okay I need to stop procrastinating. Back to studying. Sorry this post is lame.

The Vision and The Vow

The Vision and The Vow is a book I'm reading right now by Pete Greig. So far I'm only on Chapter 2 but its pretty good. There's been one section however that just really hit home for me. It's called "Clarity of Vision." Now the word "vision" has come up a lot in my world lately. Mainly this past school year through now and its really been getting me thinking so when I saw that was the name of this section, it immediately caught my interest. But the part of this section that got me, however, was not the vision part; it was the clarity part.

For so long now I've had my heart set on somehow being a full time missionary one day. I didn't (and still don't) know how I was going to get there. My ideal fantasy was of course to fall in love with a guy in the ministry and travel with him and bla bla bla... So when I started school, I wasn't sure what I "wanted to do with my life." You have to pick a job path and well, lets face it. Missions isn't exactly a major at a liberal arts school like CofC. So I was going to do something I could use in missions: med school. God changed my mind on that pretty quickly. So many of you know that now I'm pre nursing with hopes of being a CRNA (Anesthetist). Anyway, the point is, during all this time and even recently, I've always always prayed for "clarity." Keep that in mind as you read this next part.

In this book, Pete Greig tells a story of a man who went to work with Mother Teresa for a few months in Calcutta. He wanted a "clear vision for the rest of his life." Once there, Mother Teresa asked what she could do for him. He answered to simply pray for him. She then asked what he needed prayer for and he said "Pray that I get clarity for the future." She answered "No! I will not do that. Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." He then replied "But you always seem to have clarity." Mother Teresa then said, "I have never had clarity. What I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

Hmm...So when Jesus calls us to follow Him in our lives, we always sort of look for this roadmap. We want specific directions and often forget that God's way from point A to point C is not always through point B (From book). I guess I always figured that God would tell me exactly what He wants me to do. He's going to make it very clear that this is where I need to go or this is the major I need to have or something like that but its just not the case here. I'm constantly expecting a "sign" or something but they're just not showing up. And here's why. He wants us to trust Him. He wants us to run into the future like so many of us are struggling with right now, knowing nothing except for that fact that He loves us and will be there for the entire journey. There's not going to be some deep strong voice coming down from the sky saying "Go here" or "Don't go there." We just have to trust Him. We have to trust that no matter what, all things will work out for His glory. We have to trust Him. We have to trust Him. And again we have to trust Him. Such a simple concept but so hard to really really really do.

There are many examples in the one roadmap we do have. For instance, when Jesus was gathering His disciples, He said "Come follow me." Do you really think they had any idea what they were getting into? Where they'd be going? What they'd be doing? You think Peter knew he'd walk on water? Nope. They just had to trust Him. And they did.

So yea. I guess I just need to stop praying for clarity...because really...who needs it? I have God on my side. That's all I need right? I don't need to know right now where all my life is going to take me. I just need to trust that wherever it does take me, God is going to be there too. So that's my little spill on that subject. And I'm posting a poem below this written by Pete Greig called The Vision. Its soooo good! Kinda long but worth the read. Read it!

The Vision

So this guy comes up to me and says:

"What's the vision? What's the big idea?"

I open my mouth and words come out like this:

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.